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 Mathilde De Clercq - Beginner, September 13
Robin · 15 · Fifth · Viridian Guild · Muggleborn · 5'5
Gryffindor Beginner
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Awards: 48

Sep 11 2016, 07:20 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Have a recipe

At least two of your recent role play topics:
Healing Pastries – with Sorcha Truman-Flynn
Most people will most likely know Mathilde as the girl who sells pastries in the communal common room, which is why I include this thread.

De Wegisweg – with Tilda Burnings
Mats goes shopping in Diagon Alley with her friend Tilda. There’s ice-cream and clothes, what’s not to like?

Tic tic tic tic boom – with Bortwick Mandelbaum
In this thread, Mats is selling her confectionaries in the communal common room when Bort loses his temper over something.

Commentary: Mathilde isn’t the kind of character that I’m used to (because most of my characters are trainwrecks) but I’m really enjoying her so far! So I hope I’m on the right track with her ^^

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Tine · 16 · 6th · neutral · Pureblood · 5'7
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Sep 18 2016, 12:36 PM   Link Quote
Hello Robin, here I am to make sure you really get sick of me for this week, because I am here to be your first reviewer for Mathilde. Isn’t that nice? Yes, I know. However, I am going to have a closer look on your profile today, but before I do that, we have to tick off the requirements:

QUOTE (what we’re looking for at beginner)

  • At least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Posts must be made within three months of the date of your application.

  • Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).

  • At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


Looks alright, so here we go! First of all I really like the freeform you chose for Mats, because it definitely fits her well, and I just like freestyle profile.

Appearance: Fortunately you expanded on this section, which is already very nice. Also thanks for making me pause like two phrases in because Oh My God:

QUOTE
We’re not serving something light today, this girl is a whole feast.


Beautiful. Anyway, I just read the full section before picking on single pieces, because I think you covered the basics of her appearance just fine and already started to add on them with using imagery that fits your freeform and the recipe-like structure, such as the food-colours for describing her make-up and the sparkling wine and honey references. The next step you are now supposed to take is to dig a lot deeper. Keep going like this, think of ways of describing the textures of her skin, her hair, her clothes - do not just say blonde, but think of which shade of blonde her hair has, and which shade of grey do her eyes have? Does she know the clothes she wear flatter her figure? How does she feel about her body? She is a teenage girl, does she ever have self-doubts or is she content in her body?

QUOTE
Her nails are often done as well, as she thinks it’s important for hands to look smooth and cared for, and according to her uneven fingernails come off as dirty.


I stumbled over this sentence, which is why I copied it here and I think it is just missing a comma after “according to her”?, but here is just another example where you can dig a lot deeper: How does she do her nails, which colours does she paint them, does she wear jewellery, does she have long nails?

QUOTE
But like a drawing that enlivens when adding colour, her enthusiastic and headstrong personality give her a certain presence.


-> I think it must be gives instead of give.

For your next edit, I would also suggest reorganizing your paragraphs - or maybe not the whole paragraph, but I feel like the first sentence of your last paragraph would fit better to your description about her face. Now it floats there a little unattached like I needed to say this. So if you need to say it, make it fit :3

In general I think you are definitely on a good way with this, so go forth my friend, march to war! No, dig deeper, add more details and you will be fine.

Personality:

QUOTE
This chipper attitude of hers goes hand in hand with a healthy dose of confidence, halved and seeds removed.


I love how you kept the recipe style, because it’s so cute.
Alright so this part of your profile is huge and I really like it because I think you covered a huge part of Mats’ personality which was - of course - the goal of this section. I think the order flows nicely, so for future edits, you will have to go deeper - again. There is always the question of why you should be able to answer for yourself, because when you know where Mathilde is coming from, you can present her to others. You have to see it like this: we’re reading this in the order of appearance - personality - history, so if you bring something up for the first time, you should explain it a bit, while it’s okay to go deeper in another section. I’m going to give some examples just so you know what I mean.

QUOTE
After all, her parents own a business, and she’d like to own her own when she grows up – in business, you have to know just what to say. As this is a skill Martijn lacks, Mathilde often functions as her brother’s PR manager.

-> What is her family’s business, and how does she play into it?

QUOTE
Granted, Mats has never truly been down on her luck. Given her rather privileged upbringing, it’s easy to say “just face the hardships!” when you’ve hardly ever faced insurmountable obstacles yourself.

-> What kinda privileged upbringing?

But I think you did a very good job on this and I did not see any screaming errors or typos, so well done! Let’s move on to your last section, and my favourite, the…

History: I just read it and just like before I think you built a solid base, but if I were you - and this is a mere suggestion, nothing you have to do - I would move her relationships towards others more to the personality and focus on her growth and forthcoming into the history more? I really enjoyed the details you put in here - the Belgian culture details and all these little moments are very nice, also how she would have initially gone to Beauxbatons. My main point here are definitely the relationships because it feels a lot more suitable for the personality for me. For the future, you should spread out her five years at Hogwarts a little more, thinking about small events you could put in here - I know this point sucks at Beginner because YOU JUST STARTED WITH THIS CHARACTER, so gladly we only look back at the profile for Intermediate.

My overall impression is that you definitely have a certain tone for Mats already, and it shows in the way your profile is written. The personality seems to be your strongest part, while the others need a little more digging and enhancing. But you did well already! As far as your posts go, you have a good length and a consistent voice for Mathilde, but I will leave this to your second reviewer :3

Verdict: As for now, I will leave you with this and APPROVE you for BEGINNER, congrats and good luck with your second review <3 If you have any questions, skype me <3

@Mathilde De Clercq

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Maison · 15 · 5 · BADASS · pureblood · 5'8
Slytherin Advanced
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Sep 28 2016, 07:14 AM   Link Quote
HELLO ROBIN, you're familiar with me, and I'm going to be your second reviewer looking at your posts. Tine's already put up the requirements so let's just barrel forwards into the abyss!

posts
SO. Without a doubt I can say that your posts are definitely at beginner level. However I'm here to tell you how to improve, so let's get on with it. First the boring technical stuff that I have to pick on you for: space consistently (e.g. double space) between your paragraphs, proofread to help your posts improve, annnnd I noticed that you have a tendency to write 'spend' instead of 'spent' -

QUOTE (healing pastries)

His father wanted to see him too, so ever since Martijn turned eleven, he only spend two weeks of the summer vacation at Mathilde’s home.


QUOTE (healing pastries)
but it would also remind her of how rapidly things were changing now that she spend more time around British wizards and witches than her family.


So just some stuff to remember in the future!

Now that's out of the way, let's talk about content:

Firstly, Mats is adorable as a character, and I don't really...get that sense of newness, like you're still figuring her out? Which is a good thing! Her posts very much read like hello yes she's here she's a real person she's sitting on a mountain of detail, and I really love that about her. SO NATURALLY, this line threw me:

QUOTE (healing pastries)
Calling people by their last name was still weird to Mathilde, she couldn’t get herself to do it.


I don't have any...context for this. Is she supposed to call people by their surnames? Why is it weird to her if she is? There are just a few places in your posts that kind of made me stop and be like ??? so I think sometimes you have to look at your writing with an outsider's perspective and see if it makes sense? Like, in De Wegisweg, there's a part where they're talking about Mats' earrings, but no...description of them is really given? This kind of jumped out at me because granted I could scroll up and click on the polyvore link but that would sodomise the sanctity of description. I mean, you don't need to give a full description of her entire outside at the beginning of every thread, cause duh, that's what we have polyvore for, but I feel like you could've lingered a little more on that instead of - what I feel like - was just throwing a short thing in about it and then moving on, since it was the subject of conversation. Which also brings me to my next point: I feel like with that entire post (your second one in De Wegisweg) it feels a bit...this and then move on, that and then move on, and reads very...stuttery, I guess. Proofreading or reading aloud can help you there, or leaving it to sit for a bit and then coming back to it, because then you're not as tired of writing it as you were earlier.

I love her reaction to the mirror in De Wegisweg also, it was cute af. I love reading Mats cries. I would say the other thing you should think about in posts is expanding her bubble? You have a good grasp of her internal stuff, so now try moving outwards. Also now you're comfortable with her and her normal situations, start shoving her outwards into the great beyond and see what happens there too. I don't actually have a lot to say here, because your posts are pretty good for beginner, so!

profile
I'm just going to glance this over and seeeeee.

I love the recipe idea sobs I love it when people do themed profiles that super ultra fit their character. IT'S SO CUTE. I'M SORRY BUT I'M READING THE PERSONALITY AND I'M LIKE (SCREAMS) ugh I think you just made it onto the list for my favourite profiles cries. Anyway ermm suggestions...I might be echoing Tine here, but definitely dig a little deeper in the appearance and the history sections? And keep your paragraph spacing consistent, definitely. Other than that, I don't actually think I have much to add that isn't just "expand on what you already have" and give us that detail that we so desperately crave. But forreals, you have a great start here and I look forward to seeing it again later on!

verdict
ANYWAY SO WE'RE AT THE END and I happy approve you for beginner. Congratulations! If you have any questions about what I've written or anything, feel free to hmu c:

@Mathilde De Clercq

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expect frequent bad language
SLYTHERCLAW
{ wear }

MAISON IS MADE OF MAGIC AND GLITTER. xoxo
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