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 YB Yoo - Beginner
honey nut yurios · 15 · Fifth · A.E.G.I.S · Halfblood · 5'8"
Gryffindor Beginner
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Awards: 23

Feb 6 2018, 06:39 AM   Link Quote
Rank Applying For: Beginner
Link to character workshop topic: Yongbae Yoo
At least two of your recent role play topics:
Yedam and YB take on the iPhone with Yedam Bi
What happens when two Wix boys with little-to-no muggle knowledge hit the streets of London? They decide to entire a glass building with an Apple on the front... and destroy everything. This shows YB with his best friend, Yedam, and how they sort of fit together quite well, as well as how destructive YB is when it comes to things he doesn't know.
the sky is [ not ] blue with Jidam Bi
YB decides to fight his best friend's brother (not that he knows this) for no reason other than the fact he spoke to him wrong and walked around like he owned the place. Jidam is also the fighter type, so this will likely end up with a few bruises. This thread shows how YB is usually with strangers; aggressive.
The Death of Yoo Yongbae - a one-shot.
I decided to include this just as some extra context; this explains a bit more of his childhood and how it defined him, and also why he changed his name from Yongbae to YB.
leave [ me ] be with Daesung Ryu
This is an extra thread because it's only a starter right now, but I wanted to include it because it starts to demonstrate how YB is with somebody he respects and cares about. Dae is somebody who takes care of YB (not that YB would ever admit he vaguely likes it) and it shows how begrudgingly caring he is himself.
Commentary: Writing YB is almost easy now, and I really want to explore more concepts and ideas with him, which I think would be helped by him ranking up to Beginner. He has already changed quite a bit since his 'conception' if you will, and I'd like to think this is for the better. I'm finding out more things about his personality and his past and the way he thinks with every post and every thread. However, with YB, I worry that he's repetitive, and maybe doesn't stand out much as a character, which I desperately want to change.

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Annie · 17 · 7th · N/A · Pureblood · 6'3
Slytherin Novice
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Awards: 34

Feb 6 2018, 06:46 AM   Link Quote


Application Accepted!

Thank you for participating in the Ranking System! Your application has been added to the review queue. You can expect your reviews sometime within the next two weeks.

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The Notorious Nundu


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#07 - ALEXANDER KINGSLEY
Lacey · 17 · 7th · Undecided · Pureblood · 5'4''
Banned
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Feb 9 2018, 04:16 PM   Link Quote
Hello, Yurio! My name is Lacey, but I’m sure you already knew that! ;) I am here to be your first reviewer! But first, let’s go over the requirements for the rank of beginner!

QUOTE
What we’re looking for at BeginnerAt least 4 posts by your character over 2 threads. Your most recent post must be made within three months of the date of your application.Have your character profile in the workshop with at least one revision of each section posted by you. (If you choose not to include an appearance section at sorting, you must include it when you post your workshop profile, and then provide a subsequent revision for this rank).At the beginner rank, we are focused on building up your character. We will give you suggestions on how to expand your profiles and posts, particularly in regards to content, in order to gain as complete a picture of your character as possible. We're looking for a general grasp of grammar (punctuation, paragraphs, apostrophes, etc.) and spelling, and that you follow the rules by giving us at least five lines per post. Additionally, we'd like to see that you have made an effort to expand all areas of the profile (i.e. not just personality or not just history).


The gangs all here! Yes, you’ve checked all of the boxes! So, let’s get on with the show! I will be focusing on your posts today, while your second reviewer will be going over your profile! <3

Yedam and YB take on the iphone

First of all, this is a nice thread to start off with! The idea behind it is cute and unique, and it surely had me giggling! I think in your first post to start the thread, you do a wonderful job setting the theme for your thread partner! I really get a sense of what the two boys are doing, and where they are. Kudos! I want to highlight one thing though.

QUOTE
"What's that?" Was it possible the fifteen-year-old was becoming overwhelmed, but excited in the best way? Yes, and the possibility was rising as his heart beat faster, and it was almost like he was a little kid again. "We need some sort of map, or I swear to God we're going to end up getting lost."


This is at the end of the post, and it’s the first time we are really getting a sense of how YB feels about going into London with his best friend. More of this and you are well on your way! The grammar and spelling are on point! I love it!

Your second post is better, because it seems to show a bit more about how he is feeling. However, your first post makes it seems like this is a care-free outing, while your second post shows a bit more anxiety and apprehension. I would have liked to see more of that in the first post, in order to keep it fluid. However, I really like this thread and I will be surely keeping my eye on it in the future! I wanna see if they kill the phone.

The Sky is [ not ] Blue

I like this thread a lot! I think it’s really important to YB’s development to see him get angry and use that angst to explode on the nearest person. I love it! This line in particular is very nice:

QUOTE
  His nose wrinkled slightly, before he suddenly slammed the book shut on the table; the sound seemingly ricocheted like a bullet fired into mid-air, and YB was about as safe as a loaded firearm at that moment in time.


That was beautiful and very descriptive! I like it! My best advice for this thread is to make sure to always proof-read. Your last thread had far less grammar errors and spelling mistakes. This one had missing words or wordy sentences. You are a fabulous writer, however, one quick read over and it would have been that much better! I think it’s also important to figure out exactly who YB is, in relation to the rest of Hogwarts. If he doesn’t like people, would he really recognize everyone that walks in and out of the common room? Just a quick thought!

The Death of Yoo Yongbae

Thank you for including this thread! I think it really helps me, and other readers, understand what is going on in YB’s head. First of all, I want to hug him. That sounds like a rough childhood, and you the paint the picture of it like a horrible nightmare. Making sure to proofread is always important, but I think you do well in this thread. I just wanted to ask one question; did he decide at four years old that he would ‘save himself’ or was that later? It just feels like such a harsh declaration for a four-year-old, considering they are much more literal beings, then intuitive ones. Just a thought! Overall, it’s a good thread and I think it put a lot in perspective!

Leave [ me ] Be

This is a good starter! I wish there was more to review in here, but as you stated, it is only thrown in for extra content. Again, proof-reading would do you some good! I would love to see the interaction between the two. I think it’s interesting that YB doesn’t like people, but Daesung must be important to him, based on this line:

QUOTE
“You should be dressed for the colder weather, hyung. You’ll freeze.”


I think you’re off to a good start! I would love to see their interaction, since YB and Daesung have a nice relationship, as you stated.

Overall
I think you are really on your way with YB! My best advice to you would be to watch the consistency in your writing. I know that you are really just starting to get your feet wet with YB, but I think there still needs to be something fluidity in his personality between the threads. What I mean is, if he is an anti-people person, angry and anxious, I think it needs to show somewhere in all of his threads, even if it’s just one line. For example, when he is in London, I didn’t get the sense that he disliked people. Wouldn’t he think about how much he hated people if he were in a crowd of them? And again, proof-reading is key! Overall, I love YB! He seems like a wonderful character that you have spent a great deal of time developing! For your next rank, I would suggest expanding on what you already have. Make sure that he is put in all types of situations, to demonstrate the ideas that you have stated earlier!

Okay, I’m babbling! With all that being said, I happily APPROVE you for the rank of BEGINNER!. If you have any questions, you can always reach me via PM or skype! Best of luck with your second review! happy.gif

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Annie · 17 · 7th · N/A · Pureblood · 6'3
Slytherin Novice
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Feb 10 2018, 04:18 PM   Link Quote
Hello hello! You know me, I’m Annie, and I’m here to be your second reviewer today! Lacey already put the requirements up there, so without further ado, let’s jump right in!

I’m here for your profile today, which I can see has undergone significant expansion, so we're all good on that front!


Appearance
Right off the bat, I want to suggest that you break up your appearance section into paragraphs. The way I like to do it is by starting on the overall appearance (height, build, etc) and then move on to more specific things like hair, face, and so on. This tends to blend the appearance together more cohesively, and makes it easier to follow for the readers. Part of the reason I suggest this is because while I was reading your appearance section, I noticed that it jumped around a lot, and I got lost pretty quickly. You go from his eyes to his eyebrows to his hair, and then you jump to his height, and then in your second paragraph you transition from talking about his clothes to talking about his face again.

For your next revision, aside from finding a more cohesive paragraph order, what this section definitely needs is more content. For example, when it comes to his overall body, how does he carry himself? How does he walk? Does he stand up straight, shoulders back, head up, or does he have a tendency to slouch? I really like that you added in the bit about his facial expressions, and I would love to see this attention to detail throughout the rest of your appearance section. Don’t be afraid of giving too much information! The more you give us here, the less unnecessary advice we give you later. You know YB better than anyone, so show us everything!

In your appearance section, you have done a good job of giving us a pretty basic overview of how YB appears to others, but I would love to see you dig down deeper as well and give us more on how he sees himself. For example, you have this:

QUOTE
It's very rare you would see him in anything tight, as he has little self-esteem when it comes to his body, mainly due to it being covered in a multitude of burn scars on his arms and wrists from playing with fire far too much.


Although it might seem silly to have all of those little justifications in there, it helps to tie together history and personality with appearance, making the profile come together more completely overall! For example, is there a reason why he doesn’t wear his glasses, aside from just looking silly? And also, without his glasses, how badly does he see? For his hair, I feel like you could tie in why he started dying it in the first place. We see that once we get to personality, but I feel like it would fit in earlier when you talk about his hair in appearance. Why did he choose the tattoos he did? How did he get the tattoo on his back, considering that that would probably be pretty hard to reach with a tattoo gun? Any detail that seems important, ask yourself why, and then tell your readers. When it comes to profile, no one ever complained about having too much information – it’s what they’re for!


Personality
Moving on to personality, again, I would like to see you read through this and maybe break up these paragraphs a little. In the revision process you have ended up with these big blocks of text, and I think it would be a good idea to maybe break them up by subject matter. Also, a quick note: you mention YB’s fear of the dark, and that seemed to me to be a pretty significant fear, considering how it came about. But you mention it once, and then it kind of goes away, never to be seen again. I would love to see this tied into your history, maybe talk about how it has affected him while at Hogwarts, because this seems to be a pretty significant fear and definitely not something YB is able to brush off, so it seems like it would affect his daily life.

Back to the concept of organizing your paragraphs by subject matter – like in your appearance, I am noticing a tendency to jump around, and that could be easily fixed by transitions and splitting up your text blocks some more. You jump from talking about YB’s tendency toward violence, and then jump to talking about how he loves the sky, leaving me kind of confused because these two things do not seem to connect at all. Same with when you are talking about YB being told he would never be loved, and then jumping to how he loves chocolate. These loves of the sky and chocolate are not insignificant details – does that love of the sky come from his confinement as a child? I wouldn’t recommend taking them out, but instead moving them around and expanding, perhaps into their own paragraphs, so that we can have those little details. I am of the opinion that it is the little, occasionally seemingly insignificant details that make up who we are, and I would love to see more of YB’s loves coming out in your next revision.

My next question is why did YB go from getting into trouble for attention to doing it for fun? That seems like kind of a large jump considering his background, and I would love to see more into how that happened. The other thing I would love to see, since it was mentioned in your personality, is more on the difference between Yongbae and YB. An idea is to talk about how that change happened. What was he like before, as opposed to now? You mention it when talking about him being aggressive, but I want more are we sensing a theme here I think so. I searched Yongbae in your profile and didn’t find much of those differences mentioned, so I would love more.


History
YAY HISTORY MY FAVORITE PART

I like how you start out with the story of Jinsoo and Mina, although right off the bat I’m going to be nitpicky and point out that reading your writing out loud could catch some errors, because I was tripped up by this sentence:

QUOTE
See, Mina had a partner – a nice but lazy and charmless man named Heonwoo – and Jinsoo had a wife, though she was a cold and heartless woman and it was wearing down on him who went by the name Yuna.


I was fine up until “Jinsoo had a wife,” but from there the sentence reads awkwardly. I would like to suggest restructuring, so that it reads something like this:

QUOTE
Mina had a partner, a nice but lazy and charmless man named Heonwoo, and Jinsoo had a wife, Yuna, though she was cold and heartless and it was wearing down on him.


This is a suggestion, and of course there are dozens of other ways that you could restructure this sentence to make it read more fluidly, but this was the most simple way I could think of.

I think my favorite part about your history is that you tell it with a quality that makes it feel like I’m reading a story, rather than a bunch of facts about YB. I would not only love to see more of this in your history as you move forward, but I would also love to see it applied to the other sections of your profile. Again, as with the other sections, I say give me more.

If you think that a subject has been exhausted, ask yourself why, and connect it to other events in YB’s life. He has been at Hogwarts for five years now, so he has definitely had significant things happen to him in that time. I would love to hear about it! Has he met anyone who has changed his perspective? Had a particularly exciting or traumatizing experience that he still reflects on? I would love to hear about anything and everything that has affected him in some way, and see you connect those things in his personality in his appearance as well.

Aside from that, my main piece of advice is to expand, expand, expand!


Verdict
I know that this has gone on forever, so without further ado, I APPROVE you and YB for Beginner! This is only the start of your journey with him, and I cannot wait to see where you take him next! If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Congratulations!

@YB Yoo

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The Notorious Nundu


◎ KEEPER
"SEA SALT"


#07 - ALEXANDER KINGSLEY
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