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 The QQ. Vol. IV Issue I
puzzle · 17 · 7th Year · A.E.G.I.S · Halfblood · 5'2.5"
Gryffindor Beginner
Awards: 25

Apr 16 2018, 02:18 PM   Link Quote
The Quidditch Quarterly
Issue 01
Spring Term, April 2018
Slytherclaw Vs. Gryffinclaw
Jessica Reiss - Editor & Chief/ Columnist
Sixth Year Gryffindor
Hey y'all, it is I, Jessica, your editor for this year's Quidditch Quarterly, which essentially means it's going to be the best one yet! As you can see, my name is Jessica, but you can call me Jess or Jessie, if you'd prefer. I transferred to Hogwarts from Ilvermony at the start of my fifth year, but my home will always be South Philly, USA. But I guess Scotland is cool too? Anyway, I became interested in the paper during the last quidditch season. Now, they did a fabulous job, but I have a few things that I want to do to spice things up a bit. My hobbies include photography, hockey and snogging. Can I say that in a school paper? Well, I'm the editor, so YES I CAN. As you can see, I'm very light-heartened and all about the laughs. My own, preferably. Anyway, thanks for taking the time out to read this. I hope I didn't bore you yet. Make sure to read about my fabulous staffers, because I could not have done this alone. Clearly. Peace out!
Rode O'Connors - Interviewer & Columnist
Seventh Year Gryffindor
Hello, lovely readers. My name is Rode O'Connors and I am one of the interviewers and columnists this year for Quidditch Quarterly For those of you who don't already know me, I'm in house Gryffindor and I hail from the lovely country of Ireland. So, a little more about me. I like adventure, excitement, travel, tree climbing and pirates. I'm also looking into getting into investigative journalism at some point, which is why I'm starting out here! I happen to be part of a team of two, me and my ornery cat, Vaughn. My partner likes fish flavoured snacks, warm sun spots and naps. He would also like me to mention that he would rather you not touch him. This is our first year writing for a newspaper of any kind and we are both very excited. See you on the pitch!
Mathilde De Clercq - Advertiser & Interviewer
Fifth Year Gryffindor
Mats, reporting for duty! Who doesn't love quidditch? The action, the ambiance, the excitement - but most of all, quidditch brings us together like nothing else does. As a team, as a house, as a school. That's why I love quidditch. I'm Mathilde De Clercq, and I'm here to bring you all the juicy news - straight from the quidditch pitch! I'm an interviewer, and I'm in charge of finding sponsors for the paper (so definitely check out our ads!). Oh, and I also came up with the KissCam last year - which has evolved to quite the phenomenon! This is my second year working for the Quidditch Quarterly, but my first year as interviewer, and I couldn't be more excited. I think my fellow staffers and I are going to have a great time this quidditch season, and I hope you wil too!
GryffinClaw: Back with a Vengeance
An Interview with Beauregard Fontaine and Lovella De Los Rosales
Mathilde De Clercq
Mats: Beau! Lovella! Or should I say, Beautiful and Lovely? Well, it truly is lovely to have you guys here! Why don’t you introduce yourselves to our readers?
Lovella: Hello, thanks for having me. My name is Lovella de los Rosales. I’m a 7th year Ravenclaw. Beauregard: Hey there! I’m uh, Beauregard Fontaine. Former QQ staffer, by the way— oh and yeah, 6th year Ravenclaw here!

Mats: Of course, you’re here because you’re the Quidditch captains of Team Gryffinclaw! What can you tell us about your team?
Lovella: Well, I love our team. Everyone plays such a big role and with so much heart. It’s great to see them out there doing their thing. Beauregard: They’re a team of hard-workers for sure, and they all bring something different to the table. They don’t always have the best focus, but they try.

Mats: The end of this game sure had me sitting on the edge of my seat! You were in the lead with 120 points versus 30, but the snitch was worth 150… What was that moment like?
Lovella: Honestly, it was devastating. Our team played so hard and to lose because of the snitch? Broke my heart. Beauregard: I think Lovella really said it. Losing is about as fun as riding a donkey.

Mats: What’s the dynamic of your team like? Do you think it was a good combination of houses - Gryffindor and Ravenclaw?
Lovella: Our team has a very, how should I say it, excited moral. They all have a lot of heart, which sometimes can be a bit detrimental. Beauregard: Well no one on our team punched Brandy, so that’s a start. The dynamic is… Okay, but we’d be lying if we said it didn’t need work.

"I think Lovella really said it. Losing is about as fun as riding a donkey."
Mats: What was it like working together as captains?
Lovella: A true honor, for my last year here at Hogwarts. Beau is great and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. Beauregard: She’s got a fire in her heart that keeps us all warm. I admire her energy.

Mats: What would you say your team’s strategy is?
Lovella: Play hard and hope for the best. That’s how we play! Beauregard: What Lovella said. Or, if you’re Brandy, try to fake the keeper out.

Mats: You’ll play the next match on Saturday, against Gryffinpuff. How do you feel about your next match? Would you say your team is ready and back with a vengeance?
Lovella: Listen, we know they are good. They run a tight ship over there and they have their eyes on the prize. We are already out of running for the cup, so I’m hoping we can spoil a few eggs along the way. If you catch my drift. Beauregard: I think we’re gonna try to remain focused this time, or to keep our wits about us. We got a bit discombobulated at points and better teams (like Gryffinpuff) will exploit that.

Mats: If there are members of your team reading this, what would you say to them?
Lovella: Thanks for everything. You all did an amazing job and even though the chips did not fall in our favor, I wouldn’t change a thing. Beauregard: Stop fouling? Don’t drop the quaffle? Oh… Wait— play hard? They’re a great group, all jokes aside. No group has made me prouder.

Mats: Thank you so much for answering all of my questions! Just one more… If you win, where’s the party going to be, Ravenclaw or Gryffindor dorm?
Lovella: Despite winning or losing, Brandy is throwing a party regardless. Not sure where, but I know there will be one! Beauregard: I’m taking a nap wherever it’s at. I’m tired.

Game Recap
the kickoff
Jessica Reiss
The stage was set. Two teams, pinned head-to-head with one goal in mind: to win. Slytherclaw vs Gryffinclaw, two teams that share one thing in common, and it's not just that they both have players that like the color blue (hah, you see what I did there?). No, they have the drive and passion that it takes to win. The weather was perfect, cloudy and cool, not a drought of rain in sight. What started off as a competitive game, quickly turned ugly. Sol Flowers and Brandy Sage, do I need to say anything more? Line changes were had, kisses were made (Thanks to our lovely QQ staff member, a certain well dressed 5th year!), and hearts were broken. Despite the best efforts of the hard-working, and somewhat musical chairs-esque, Gryffinclaw team, the snitch was all that was needed to win the game. Shortly before the grand finale, Slytherclaw had clawed their way back from a 120 deficit to make the game within 90 points. Yes, it looked like a long shot for our Slytherclaws. But wait, the hero himself, Shion Suzuki, came to the rescue! So, despite the beating that they received during the play action, the Slytherclaw's had made it on top! Devastation and hardship fell onto the Gryffinclaw's, but it was all over. The Slytherclaw's had slithered their way into a win! What a game it was! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Catching the Golden Snitch
An Interview with Shion Suzuki
Rode O'Connors
Here with the Quidditch Quarterly yet again, I’m Rode O’Connors. With us now is Shion Suzuki, the marvelous seeker who took the game and flipped it entirely on its head. Seriously, what seemed like a hopeless loss for Slytherclaw was turned into the most brilliant underdog victory I’ve seen so far. So! Why don’t you give me the scoop on Shion Suzuki?

Shion: Oh, me. Hm. I mean, what exactly do you want to know?

Well, what makes you tick? Your passions? Your goals? Your seeking strategy?

Shion: Passions… my biggest people is likely to be the piano. I don’t really advertise much about it, but I play a lot. My father taught me, and I practice everyday. No really memorable goals, I don’t know what I want to do after school yet, and my seeking strategy tends to be ‘don’t get hit by bludgers, don’t let the other seeker grab the snitch’.

The piano is a lovely instrument. I don’t happen to be very musical but I do enjoy listening. Honestly, I find thinking of hard goals for after school to be difficult. I mean, I’m on my last year here and I still have no clue what to do afterwards. That all being said, I think you have great potential as a professional Quidditch player if you wanted to. Your strategy worked really well, seeing as you caught the snitch already.

So, what are your thoughts on your team’s performance during the game as a whole? Is there anything you would have done differently?

Shion: I think we did pretty well, considering we won. Ysagwyn was a good Keeper regardless of the few shots that went in, and Terrence and Redder’s performance was impressive, even though both only really played half a game each. Hmm… maybe try and get Sol to be less aggressive with his Beating skills? I didn’t want anybody to get hurt, really, though I still liked his performance!

Honestly, I don’t know if I’ve met a politer beater than Redder Blaze. He seemed to balance our Sol Flower’s aggressive playing style. Speaking of Mr. Flowers, he actually named himself as the weakest link on the team. Do you agree with that statement? If not, who would you name?

Shion: I don’t think it was Sol. Not one bit, and I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t name anybody on our team as a weak link, if I’m honest. I think we balanced each other well. If anything, I would say it’s me.

That’s quite a lovely sentiment to have. Honestly, I’m surprised by the chivalrous nature of all you Slytherclaws, the way you all take the blame for yourself. Are you sure I don’t have the Gryffinclaws by mistake. Ha. I jest. Speaking of the Gryffinclaws, what was your opinion on them as a team?

Shion: It’s always a little awkward going against your friends. I’d like to say I’m pretty close to Jeongmin and Yuzuru, which did make it a little hard to go against them, but I think they played admirably. Though… maybe I would discourage them giving Brandy Sage a bat…

That seems to be the general consensus with that… girl. Moving on! Other than playing against your friends, what would you consider to have been the most difficult part of the game?

Shion: Staying calm. Staying focused, if I’m honest. I’m not the best with crowds of people, and I didn’t want to let my team down… so I probably panicked a lot more than I needed to. Also, seeing Seraphina take that Bludger. It certainly looked like it hurt, but I’m proud of her for staying on.

Well, from where I was in the crowd, you couldn’t even tell you were panicked. The whole team seemed to keep a good job holding it together as a whole. Were you are all worried that you guys were going to lose the match?

Shion: Not because of my team. I knew they would be perfect. It was more me. I thought I would end up missing the snitch or something, or embarrassing both myself and my team. I really didn’t want to let them down.

I am happy to report that you were pretty far from letting down your team. You performed wonderfully out there. It was a joy to watch. Speaking of great performances, who would you say did the best as a whole on your team?

Shion: I think Youngchul Bennett. He got us our goal, you know? And I think that’s pretty good!

… Those Bennett children are trouble makers. But, I can’t deny he did play a good game and managed to score the Slytherclaws a well deserved goal.

Anyways! Let’s keep this going. So, I happen to have sources that tell me you were gone for a couple weeks prior to the game. Is there a reason for that and do you feel like it affected your playing at all?

Shion: ...I’d rather not talk about that really. I don’t think it affected my gameplay.

Alright then… Fair enough. Is there any advice you’d like to give the Gryffinpuffs going into their game with the Gryffinclaws?

Shion: Watch out for Brandy Sage and her bat, and just remember to stay calm. A match isn’t the whole world, you know? And I’d be more worried when you take us on!

And is there anything you would like to say to the losing team?

Shion: Try and win this one! And to Yuzuru and Jeongmin, you just can’t beat me~

Thank you so much for your time today, Shion and I look forward to your next game.

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Slytherclaw Keeper Half-Asses Entire Game
Interview with Ysgawyn Argall-Yates
Rode O'Connors
Rode O’Connors here again with Quidditch Quarterly. This time, I am with the keeper of the Slytherclaw team, Ysgawyn Argall-Yates. So, why don’t you tell the readers a bit about yourself, Mr. Yate? Argall? Argall-Yates?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Sure, I’m Ysgawyn Argall-Yates, I played keeper for Slytherclaw this match. I come from a Welsh pureblood family. By day, I’m a fifth year Ravenclaw, and by night… uh, party animal... for lack of a better term, but I’m really not a fan of that term... Well, you can be sure I’m having a good time, wherever I am.

Well, it's definitely a pleasure to meet you and get to know you. During my interview with your team captain, you were named as the team’s most valuable asset. I would love to hear your thoughts on that.

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Well, obviously I'd like to say thanks to the captain for saying that, but it does feel a lot like beginner's luck to me. I had a decent start for my first school game ever but it definitely went downhill as I got more settled and - to be honest - a bit worn out. The quaffle just kept coming back, it was hard work and nerves had their say on my performance too, but I think I did okay considering everything.

No one can deny you certainly had your work cut out for you as keeper. How do you feel about the goals you let through?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Of course, I wish I had had a clean sweep of the pitch in terms of saves, but in the end you win some, you lose some. It's not that I don't care about letting them in, but as my first match it's a good base point to improve from, and I will improve, so watch this space, ladies and gentlemen.

With an attitude like that, I imagine that you will have even more success in your next game. For a first time player, I'm impressed.

Were you worried at all that your team was going to lose?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Thank you, and I guess I had my doubt at points but I knew we would pull it out of the bag when it came down to it. If we didn't have the ability to win against any team in this school, then I wouldn't choose to play.

It was an impressive win, especially considering how far behind your team happened to be going into that final stretch. If I'm being completely honest with you, I though the Gryffinclaw team had it in the bag, what with how far ahead they were. Of course, it seems your efforts kept them at bay just enough to let that snitch catch pull you ahead.

With all that action you were seeing down on the field, what was the hardest part for you?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: As I'm sure Sol would've also told you, we had it in the bag the whole time.

Naturally, the hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I'd let the first goal past me - as I think it was the first of the match as well. Although next hardest was trying to save a goal from behind the quaffle, that was tricky.

I'm actually fairly certain he did say something along those lines, if I'm not mistaken.

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Is it any more difficult to catch the quaffle with the other team using strategies that basically boiled down to 'ha ha made you look'?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: No, not at all. I mean, what sort of idiot would say yes, even if it was? We're not here to admit weaknesses to the next team we face.

I know I was a bit distracted during the end of the game, but, I mean, I'm pretty sure I saw you look when that chaser pointed and said 'what's that over there'. But I could be wrong.

Speaking of... her... As much as I hate to give that she-demon any more attention, I do have to ask about that little... moment the two of you shared. Care to tell the readers what was going on?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: I... was just humouring her. I just chose the wrong second to do it, I thought there was no way I could miss the ball at that point, I was wrong, but I was definitely just humouring her. With the kiss too, in fact. Brandy seems crazy, but she also seems like she'd be a lot of fun, uh, to hang out with I mean.

She is the exact opposite of fun to hang out with and if you aren't carefully she will chew you up and spit you out faster than you can say 'quidditch.'

Anyways, besides the point. Where was I again? Right. So. She-demon. So there was nothing going on between you then? Just some of her crazy rubbing off on you? And did it affect your ability to block quaffles?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Nothing going on with us? Jealous, O'Connors?

No, of course she didn't affect my abilities. My ability, or inability, to catch the quaffle is on me, however unfortunately. Her antics just made the space between goal attempts more interesting.


Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Right back at you.

Why don’t you keep your opinions to yourself unless it’s about a question I ask, got it?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Why don't you keep your opinions to yourself forever, mudblood, and go back to the muggle world where you belong?

And this is why I don’t hang out with purebloods.

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: And we thank you for that.

You’re all close minded, self centered, self serving jerks whose prejudices cloud your judgement and make you absolutely insufferable. I am just as much a witch as you are-

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: You wish.

-and I’m sick and tired of your kind putting me down or- or doing things that no one wants you to do or- You know what. I’m done with this stupid argument. Let’s just get this over with so I can forget this meeting ever happened.

Now! Do you feel as if the rest of your teammates were pulling their weight on the field?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Sure.

Yeah, I think they did. One person's 100% effort might not have as good results as another's, or maybe even as another's 90%, but our whole team tried pretty hard this match and we came through the other side as winners, so that's all that matters. If any of them know that they gave less than their 100% then that's for them to step up next match.

You barely won the match, mind you. Maybe your 100% isn’t as good as you think it is. Any thoughts?

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: I saved twice as many goals as both of the other team’s keepers combined, but who says that was my 100% anyway?

Oh so you half assed the entire game? Good to know. I’ll be sure the audience is privy to that information.

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Sure, and if my half-assing it - as you put it - saved so many goals, just imagine what's yet to come in future matches.

Oh I hope you absolutely crash and burn in your next game. And you can sure as hell bet I will be watching.

Ysgawyn Argall-Yates: Always happy to meet new fans.

Well they’re never happy to meet you. You know what, I had more questions but I can’t with this. I hate people like you and I’m not getting paid enough for this.

With the Quidditch Quarterly, this is Rode O’Connors signing off because clearly I can’t with this arrogant, close minded, ignorant jerk.

A Peek Behind the Curtain
An Interview with Sol Flowers
Rode O'Connors
Hello! My name is Rode O’Connors and I am here today to give our lovely spectators a peek behind the curtain into the inner workings of this year’s first quidditch match between Slytherclaw and Gryffinclaw. For those of you who don’t know, the captain of the proud green and blue was the ... Wonderful? Sol Flowers.

So, Mr. Flowers, why don’t you tell the readers a bit about yourself?

Sol: “Uh, sure. I’m Sol Flowers, I’m the Slytherclaw captain. If you weren’t keeping up, that’s the team that won, by the way. I’m a seventh year Slytherin, I’m very loveable, and I have tons of pros: handsome, charming, pureblood and probably really smart. What’s not to love?”

When you describe yourself, it does seem like there isn’t much to love. However, the commentators seemed to have other… choice words about you. Any comments on what they had to say?

Sol: “Sa and Plunkett are genuine idiots who somehow think they’re, like, able to talk crap about other people despite being absolutely pricks themselves. They can say whatever they want: I’d like to see them say it to my face. Let’s just say I’ll be paying Lenny a visit soon. Next question!”

Honestly, I was a bit surprised by the ending of the game, seeing as your team wasn’t doing so hot there for a while. How are you feeling about the victory?

Sol: “Oh, yeah, we were playing the long game for sure. Good actors, my team, huh? Almost looked like we were totally gonna lose, and then bam! We whip out the winning points without even breaking a sweat. Obviously, it looked like things were going downhill but we were all totally in charge of that pitch the whole match. Maybe we’d be doing better if demons like Sage weren’t on the pitch, but what can y’do?”

It was definitely an interesting ending, one the game really needed with such a slow start. And who doesn’t love a good underdog story. Honestly, I can’t wait to see the movie one day. Slytherclaw Vs Gryffinclaw. The exciting story of how true perseverance can prevail… There’s probably a reason I don’t write movies.

Sol: “As long as someone hot plays me, I’m down”

As I mentioned before, your team was really struggling there before the snitch was caught and even with the catch it was a pretty close game. In fact, I believe you only scored one goal the entire match. What are you strategies going into the next game? What are you going to change to make sure the next victory belongs to you?

Sol: “Mmhm. Yeah, well… I mean… Like I said, obviously it wasn’t as bad as it looked. We were playing a mind game with the other team, yeah? Obviously, it’s nothing to do with the fact that everyone seemed to be playing really badly - even me! All a ruse… obviously! In terms of the next game, though, our “laid-back” approach didn’t really seem to have the… uh… desired effect for most of the game. Hands-on, more violence! Why the hell not, am I right? It’s not as if it’s totally against the rules. I mean, like, other than the rules that say… not to do that. Violence within reason. We’re all gonna ignite that fire in our Slytherin hearts. Or, like… our Slytherin-Ravenclaw hearts, I guess.”

Well! It certainly sounds like the next match will be exciting to say the least.

I’m sure there aren’t many out there that would contest me when I say that you’re playing style is very… Aggressive. However, there seemed to be some serious animosity with the wild card beater/chaser on Gryffinclaw, Brandy. Can you explain that? Not that you really have to, I also happen to find her incredibly infuriating.

Sol: “Jeeze, look… I love me some girls, like really love girls. Not to say I don’t share that love with the guys too, but I adore girls super-duper-a-lot. Like, a lot. What was I saying? Oh, yeah... Brandy. Even someone who loves girls just as much as I do has to say that whoa jeeze Brandy’s a literal demon. I would call her a bitch, but I have two girl-dogs and I would be offending them by saying that they’re the same species as Sage.

Girl had some kind of burning-rage-grudge against me for absolutely no reason, and though sometimes that leads to some really exciting good times, in terms of Brandy It’s like, a billion percent no thanks, asshole. She’s a lunatic who shouldn’t be playing Quidditch, honestly, but I suppose not everyone can play a fair, safe game like me. Uh… most of the time.”

Honestly, I can’t argue much with you there. I mean, I generally try to not use… That word for people. But… I mean, It’s really hard to try and defend someone who goes around stealing clothes from showering people. Now, I don’t take much stock in the rumor mill here at Hogwarts. Personally, I find it quite ridiculous, however, fans of the Quidditch Quarterly would be very disappointed if I didn’t ask about Isidora Argyris. Rumor has it you two have been rather… Involved. How did you feel about that kiss between her and the Dalca girl? Any comments?

Sol: “Uh, right. So, I’m sure you can fill me in on whoever mentioned this rumour to your so I can pay them a little visit; alone, at night, with a potential murder weapon. But, other than that, I can’t say I know what y’talking about. Izzy’s got her business, I’ve got mine. I mean, she’s like… that smart girl, yeah? Like, really smart - have you ever heard her talk about Alchemy and stuff? I’m not about that. If she wants to kiss random mudblo… uh… girls in the stands at Quidditch, she can do what she wants.

No comment. It was stupid. Kisscam is dumb. Who came up with it? They’re dumb. Dalca and Argyris are dumb, whatever. I mean… Izzy’s not dumb, I didn’t mean that. She’s real smart. Y’know?

Aw, man…”

Seeing as I would rather not be implicated in a murder, I can’t give you the source of the rumors. And before you start threatening me, I would like to mention that my pa is a butcher and is very good with knives. With that out of the way, I would like to echo your thoughts on the kiss cam being ‘dumb’, as you say. In what world is it a good idea to make teens with a variety of confusing feelings swirling around in their heads kiss random people. Or Friends. Or whatever. Moving on!

Erhm. So. If you had to pick your favorite moment of this match, what would it have been and why?

Sol: “Our goal was one of the best parts for me, since it felt like a big boost in… team spirit, y’know? It’s easy to kinda let yourself drag down a bit when everyone seems like it’s going real bad. I loved watchin’ Suzuki catch the snitch though. Snitch’s always been my favourite ball - *snorts* favourite ball… - and it’s always good, obviously, to see your team catch it, ‘specially when it makes you win the match!”

From your perspective as captain of the team, who would be your most valuable player?

Sol: Argall-Yates, for sure. Ysgawyn’s been a badass - can I say badass on here? - keeper this match and kept out a lot of tricky shots. Honestly, there’s no way you can have a good team without a good keeper, and we’ve got a pretty awesome team. So, y’know… that means we got an awesome keeper! He did a good job, plus he’s a good person as well. Always good when you know you can trust someone off the pitch as well, y’know?”

An interesting choice. Now, I am going to have to be a terribly awful person and ask you to give me your least valuable player. Alas, the readers seem to be fairly into drama. I would much rather report straight news and important stuff… Anyways, your answer?

Sol: “Oh, huh… I mean, I’m all for offending people and fueling up the drama, but if y’want me to answer honestly, I’d say myself. I wasn’t pleased with my performance in the match, yeah? I missed too many bludgers, and the one I got hit with probably gave me a concussion, which… You know, that’s not usually fun! I wasn’t on my A-Game, so yeah. I vote for me.” A very chivalrous response, if I ever did here one. Especially coming from a Slytherin. I mean, not that Slytherin’s can’t be chivalrous. That’s not what I’m saying… Of goodness, what am I saying? Nevermind. Let’s continue the interview.

While not a Slytherclaw supporter myself, I am highly looking forward to your next game. Anything you would like to say to your fans?

Sol: “I’m always happy to uh, hang out with my adoring fans ;)” Right… And it there anything you would like to say to the losers? Some advice maybe?

Sol: “Well, yeah - my advice is to not be such losers next time! Ha! And, uh… consider taking Brandy off the team. Just saying. Rude bitch.”

Complimentary Life Advice
Felton Ulysses Quigley the 49th
Don’t know what to do with your life? Desperately need a nudge in the right direction, or some real, sincere advice? Well, then look elsewhere. But if you love being publicly insulted, and want unsolicited, patronizing advice that is sure to ruin your day and may or may not send you into an existential crisis* – then make sure to hit up Felton Ulysses Quigley the 49th for his self-proclaimed Complimentary Life Advice!

*Quigley also offers (currently empty) group therapy sessions for anyone going through such an existential crisis.

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NEXT: Gryffinpuff Vs. Gryffinclaw!


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